It is what it is

Life just is what it is. I need to take a page from Sookie Stackhouse's fictional life and just suck it up and get on with things. I know she's not real, but there's a truth to that element of her character. But then I ask myself, "Get on with what, exactly?"

Having been through about 8 year of depression, including meds on and off, my life has changed dramatically. My personality and ability to cope has been rearranged to such a degree I barely recognise myself any more. I'm afraid to make phone calls, I hate dealing with customer service people ( I can feel my false bravado cover me like a skin when I am forced to deal with this stuff), I have no faith in my ability to work in a job with any degree of competence. I don't like going out. Anywhere.

I've gotten so out of the loop of having to deal with day to day stuff that I can barely manage it now. The long game of life is off my radar and all I can see is day to day boringness and blah that leaves me utterly unmotivated. Yeah, I'm taking a couple of classes. I'd do anything to quit. Yeah I volunteer at the school, but I'd love an excuse to not be there feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to sit around and read all day and wait for the kids to come home from school.

This is horribly depressing to think of. This lack of motivation- is it due to the depression or have I just gotten so used to life being that way? Everything seems so pointless. And, seriously, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here. These are questions I'm really asking myself because I don't want to live like this.

Here is where I'll say that, despite the crap that needs to be arranged so that we can move, I am really looking froward to the adventure. I'm not under any illusion that it'll be easy. I'll need to find a full-time job that will turn my children into latchkey kids. I'll be living as a single parent and taking care of everything myself. I'll seriously need to get out of whatever ditch this is that I'm finding myself in.

So, this is all the stuff I'm thinking about while trying to lose weight. Which isn't happening. I'm not bingeing or anything which is good, though I'm still not eat fewer calories than I burn. But, I did yoga today!