Life just is what it is. I need to take a page from Sookie Stackhouse's fictional life and just suck it up and get on with things. I know she's not real, but there's a truth to that element of her character. But then I ask myself, "Get on with what, exactly?"
Having been through about 8 year of depression, including meds on and off, my life has changed dramatically. My personality and ability to cope has been rearranged to such a degree I barely recognise myself any more. I'm afraid to make phone calls, I hate dealing with customer service people ( I can feel my false bravado cover me like a skin when I am forced to deal with this stuff), I have no faith in my ability to work in a job with any degree of competence. I don't like going out. Anywhere.
I've gotten so out of the loop of having to deal with day to day stuff that I can barely manage it now. The long game of life is off my radar and all I can see is day to day boringness and blah that leaves me utterly unmotivated. Yeah, I'm taking a couple of classes. I'd do anything to quit. Yeah I volunteer at the school, but I'd love an excuse to not be there feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to sit around and read all day and wait for the kids to come home from school.
This is horribly depressing to think of. This lack of motivation- is it due to the depression or have I just gotten so used to life being that way? Everything seems so pointless. And, seriously, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here. These are questions I'm really asking myself because I don't want to live like this.
Here is where I'll say that, despite the crap that needs to be arranged so that we can move, I am really looking froward to the adventure. I'm not under any illusion that it'll be easy. I'll need to find a full-time job that will turn my children into latchkey kids. I'll be living as a single parent and taking care of everything myself. I'll seriously need to get out of whatever ditch this is that I'm finding myself in.
So, this is all the stuff I'm thinking about while trying to lose weight. Which isn't happening. I'm not bingeing or anything which is good, though I'm still not eat fewer calories than I burn. But, I did yoga today!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
This is hard
Wow. It's pretty amazing what a little stress can do to make me totally compulsively overeat. I won't go into details here, but let's just say that I didn't realise how happy and relaxed I was until stress came along again and I felt it all in my stomach. That horrible tension that just makes me shove food in my mouth all day until my stomach hurts and then I shove in some more.
I'm tired of certain things affecting me like that. I lived like that for about 7 years (hence my weight now) and it's amazing what a happy outlook and the removal of stressors can to to make one see life in a whole new light.
But I'm here today to say that I'm not going to let those outside things control my reactions. I'm tired of those certain stressors keeping me fat. I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT.
I hate it.
I CAN control what is allowed to go in my mouth. And I will. But I will remember to be gentle with myself when I screw up.
Onto another topic.
So, I've been taking both an English and a Maths course at the kids school. It free- yay! In the end I'll get 2 qualifications I don't really need, but I'll have refreshed myself in those subjects. My dilemma is this- It takes up my whole Wednesday and quite frankly, I'm really not enjoying the English class. I REALLY don't like the project we have to do- our coursework, the final draft of which is what we'll be graded on, is writing an essay called My Life. Quite frankly I'm not in a place right now where I want to write about my life and be graded upon how well I write about it. I'm also exhausted by the end of the two classes and therefore don't actually concentrate so well for maths.
The Maths coursework is so weird. I thought we'd be, you know, learning Maths. But the course work for that will result in a sort of project/report. It's more about applying Maths than learning stuff. I've chosen to do my report on Healthy Eating. I can't really even describe what we have to do right now because it's so far out of my realm of experience. But, I like Maths. As long as you enter the right number you always get the right answer. So, I think I'll enjoy what I have to do for the class.
On yet another note- I'm almost done redoing the kitchen! YAY! I think I have one more set of cabinets to paint then it's on to tidying up the old wall (just touching up the spots that got other paint on them and filling in holes) and painting over the ugly tiles at the far end. Finally I'll need to do the accent colour in a few places. I should be totally done by Friday.
I really want to get it done because I've got a meeting on Monday with a chick named AnnMarie who works for a project of Corrymeela. We're going to see if I can do some volunteer admin work for her because I want to get some experience working in a real office doing real admin stuff. I'm really excited about it! With the way my schedule is now I think I can fit in about 6 hours a week, maybe more if I'm so inclined.
Okay, that's all I can think of right now. Baby steps!
I'm tired of certain things affecting me like that. I lived like that for about 7 years (hence my weight now) and it's amazing what a happy outlook and the removal of stressors can to to make one see life in a whole new light.
But I'm here today to say that I'm not going to let those outside things control my reactions. I'm tired of those certain stressors keeping me fat. I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT.
I hate it.
I CAN control what is allowed to go in my mouth. And I will. But I will remember to be gentle with myself when I screw up.
Onto another topic.
So, I've been taking both an English and a Maths course at the kids school. It free- yay! In the end I'll get 2 qualifications I don't really need, but I'll have refreshed myself in those subjects. My dilemma is this- It takes up my whole Wednesday and quite frankly, I'm really not enjoying the English class. I REALLY don't like the project we have to do- our coursework, the final draft of which is what we'll be graded on, is writing an essay called My Life. Quite frankly I'm not in a place right now where I want to write about my life and be graded upon how well I write about it. I'm also exhausted by the end of the two classes and therefore don't actually concentrate so well for maths.
The Maths coursework is so weird. I thought we'd be, you know, learning Maths. But the course work for that will result in a sort of project/report. It's more about applying Maths than learning stuff. I've chosen to do my report on Healthy Eating. I can't really even describe what we have to do right now because it's so far out of my realm of experience. But, I like Maths. As long as you enter the right number you always get the right answer. So, I think I'll enjoy what I have to do for the class.
On yet another note- I'm almost done redoing the kitchen! YAY! I think I have one more set of cabinets to paint then it's on to tidying up the old wall (just touching up the spots that got other paint on them and filling in holes) and painting over the ugly tiles at the far end. Finally I'll need to do the accent colour in a few places. I should be totally done by Friday.
I really want to get it done because I've got a meeting on Monday with a chick named AnnMarie who works for a project of Corrymeela. We're going to see if I can do some volunteer admin work for her because I want to get some experience working in a real office doing real admin stuff. I'm really excited about it! With the way my schedule is now I think I can fit in about 6 hours a week, maybe more if I'm so inclined.
Okay, that's all I can think of right now. Baby steps!
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